Veteran psychological counsellor Wilfred Wong (front, fifth left) and clinical psychologist Viviana Cheng (front, sixth left) with participants at the seminar
The SHKP Club aims to foster the love for family with a wide range of activities. Recent endeavours included a Love between Generations seminar with veteran psychological counsellor Wilfred Wong and clinical psychologist Viviana Cheng explaining effective ways for parents and children to communicate for harmonious inter-generational relationships and revealing the secret to peace between wives and mothers-in-law.
Dr Wong pointed out the main problems faced by Hong Kong families. First, there is a lack of communication between working parents and their children. Second, children are too sheltered by overprotective parents and lack a sense of family responsibility. Third, they prefer to express their feelings and emotions to their peers rather than parents. Here are some important tips for maintaining healthy family dynamics:
| (A) Establishing good parent-child relationships | i) | Step one: talk more with your child. |
| Step two: parents should tell their children more about their own lives such as work, difficulties, emotions, etc. | ||
| Step three: avoid focusing on the child's studies; instead, discuss more on the child's hobbies and interests and the latest trends among young people. | ||
| ii) | Establish common topics and share moments together. | |
| iii) | Understand the child's hobbies and activities and those of their friends. Do not criticise, to establish a relationship of mutual trust and interaction. | |
| iv) | Establish a WhatsApp group to increase communication channels. | |
| (B) Encouraging positive values | i) | Direct approach: end it in one sentence, not lengthy talks (at most six seconds). |
| ii) | Affirm the child's achievements. | |
| iii) | Do not blame the child directly. Use stories of yourself or friends to guide and encourage instead. For instance, when the child faces setbacks, explain how you overcame setbacks at their age and guide him / her to face challenges positively. | |
| iv) | Do not compare them with their peers as in "the kid next door gets first place every year but you are always last!" | |
| v) | Have a regular time to spend with the child (such as reading / watching TV together every night before bed) and give them support. | |
| (C) Dealing with children's issues in the right way | i) | Express concern and care for the difficulties children encounter in life so that when they meet new difficulties they will naturally think of their parents. |
| ii) | Use discussion and prediction of consequences to guide the child to formulate their own solutions. | |
| iii) | Always be ready to support the child. | |
| iv) | Offer suggestions rather than command. |
Harmony between wives and mothers-in-law is a goal that many strive for. Dr Cheng encouraged members to keep in mind that the mother-in-law is the husband’s mother and must be respected, spoken to in an appropriate manner and treated with understanding. Dr Cheng also suggested several Dos & Don'ts in an attempt to help reduce family conflicts. Items included discussing everything with the husband first, managing matters and understanding disputes as early as possible, communicating calmly, focusing on the issue and not the person, and watching out for one's body language that may express hostility.
Improving relationships in the family
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It is essential that the daughter-in-law treats her mother-in-law with respect. Rather than just voicing one's opinions, the wife should always discuss issues with the husband first to ensure that the couple are in agreement about the messages they would like to convey so as to avoid friction between family members.
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Better relations result if the husband is not caught in the middle. The wife can try to manage the relationship with the husband and his family first, so that the husband is not trapped in a war between his wife and his own mother. Do not complain about the husband's family too often.
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Exercise respect, acceptance and tolerance. Use appropriate expressions and pay attention to one's attitude.
Dos & Don'ts in communication: Establishing good communication between wives and mothers-in-law
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Talk less
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Calmly discuss everything with the husband first
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Manage matters and understand disputes as early as possible to avoid accumulated misunderstandings
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Communicate calmly; do not give irrational responses (such as mean comments / personal attacks)
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Focus on managing the matter itself not the person
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Avoid negative body postures (such as crossing arms, expressing impatience) that can generate hostile feelings in the other party
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